Monday, September 16, 2013

My New Skin

I could kick my own ass for not writing more regularly on this blog, but over the past year I have felt very exposed and raw and until now I have not had the ability to tactfully express what has been going on in my head.
I am in a space that is uncomfortable for me to talk about. I'm sad, frustrated, angry, stressed the list could go on. Last year we had the blessing of being granted the opportunity to open our restaurant. A very generous gift from some family members. We bought a building, started the task of putting together a team of talented individuals to help with the lengthy process of renovation and construction.
At the same time our wedding planning and catering business went crazy and we were again blessed with lots of business. So much that we decided to simultaneously open a second location so that we could cater out of it while we waited for the original building to be constructed.
Biggest mistake of my life...
Our Granite Bay location was beautiful. The food that we produced great, our reviews were amazing, we were packed every weekend, but in the end we failed to keep it open.
I take full responsibility for the failures that we had in that location. I put trust in individuals that seriously today the sound of their names make me sick. It's like fucking Voldemort from Harry Potter, you can't say their names around me. I've got five of them and I seriously can't hear their names without fanaticizing about doing some shit that would catch me 20 years in the grey bar hotel. I let individuals intimidate me about their worth in our company and let them hold me hostage with their "abilities". My ambition blinded me to the true nature of some certifiably crazy ass people.
In the end when we finally cleaned house and got back on track it was too late. Not that it was too late to continue doing what we were doing in Granite Bay, it was to late for Ian and I to stay in love with that location, with the financial toll and continued drama that we still had to face due to these assholes we hired. We had to make a decision to scratch it out for another two years in Granite Bay and possibly lose everything or cut off our dying arm and refocus our efforts, our money, our love and using "what we know now" to be more successful downtown in our original project.
American media loves to pump us women up that we can do it all and have it all and I drank that damn Kool-Aid like it was life water. Hell I was first in line with a Big Gulp cup. REALLY!? So what did I get out of being overly ambitious, over scheduled and naïvely trusting?
I lost a really pure innocent version of myself that I don't think I will ever get back. Almost two years later I am a meaner, less trusting boss. I've been humbled and embarrassed, disappointed my family members and therefore hate myself everyday for these disappointments.
All I have left is to believe that our circumstances will change, that someone will see how hard we are working now and believe in our brand. I am so tired of fighting, but it's all I know at this point. I found a term today called a "Frustrated Entrepreneur", I almost started to tear up after reading this article about a guy that went through the same hell that we did, but came out successful in the end.
The past 19 months have been an awakening for me. I'm changed. I've had to take a harsh look at myself, who I am as a business owner, mother...a wife. I'm trying to except new revelations about who N'Gina really is and it's really scaring the shit out me. Could I really be turning into the one person that I never ever wanted to be?
I don't know...
Maybe the recognition that for the past year I haven't been the nicest person to be around is enough to change it. I was extremely hurt by "friends" that I trusted. Taken advantage of by people that were in my tribe. Forced to keep hurtful secrets of others true nature, while I suffered quietly. My heart was crushed and felt so stupid for believing in these motherfuckers. So now I'm this mean shell of a bitch that just can't let anyone new in. I've sliced people out of my life all in this effort to gain some control over my personal life and business.
Tomorrow is my birthday, I'll be 37. When I put my head to my hands and really think about what I want, I can only say that I need a better year. Hopefully with our new home and new business, that we are fighting to make come to fruition, it can be a better year. I want simplicity, I don't need to be over scheduled to feel accomplished, I just want to feel secure in what I have in my life. Healthy family, strong marriage, blessed life. We'll see what the universe has left to dole my way, I just ask that the universe be gentle.

1 comment:

  1. Miss Kermy,

    Trust me. I've been there with my own hugemongeous failed business (although, truth be told, I wasn't let down by anyone but myself). I'm sorry that you had to go through that, but I'm impressed with your ability to admit your failures and pick up and move on. It is a huge life lesson and it makes one take stock of what is important from all the BS.

    I'm proud of you, Woman. And always know that I am rooting for you from afar.

    From one failed, miserable bitch to the next.

    Love you. -Nef